I'll be writing here from now on.

"Do you feel like I do
Tired of everything?
Can you feel what I can
Almost everything?

I wanna leave today
The sky is big and my life is small
I wanna leave with you
So we can build a perfect garden

The stars are far away
I can see them with my eyes
I watch them burn away
Like the moments of my life

I wanna leave today
The sky is big and my life is small
I wanna leave with you
So we can build a desert garden"

I'm starting to wonder why anyone ever goes on AIM - we're all away.

Jesus, where have I been.

Work is slow lately, I spend most of the day preparing paperwork for going abroad to England. It's really annoying. And the work part of my day doesn't have many hurdles anymore. It's all winding down. Just 3 more weeks - exactly, actually. Still gotta book that rental car from here to Bradenton ... and my flight from Orlando to Danbury for training ... and then somewhere around Danbury to someplace near where I'll be living in England. As you can see I really don't got it altogether. I actually need to start deciding what personal belonging I want to take, since I only get one large box. Something called a D-Crate.

But that's it for the facts. I prefer to use this journal as a self-exploration and self-documentation outlet, and that's what I'm about to do.

So lately I've reconfirmed, and now fully realized as a fundamental part of who I am, something about me. I'm a Romantic. Not in connotation of the old sense of being superfluously charming and endearing, but more in the sense that I prefer to be in relationships rather than not. I like sharing my life with a significant other, I like liking and being liked, and love loving and being loved. I can go for stints alone, and push past my burning desires, but when presented with an opportunity to once again pursue what I see to possibly be a beautfiul and fulfilling relationship with someone, I often never pass it up. Actually, I often times find myself trying too hard to make it happen, or at least I think so.

For the record, I consider myself a pretty scrutinizing and discerning judge of character. I rarely come across people I can truly consider friends, much less partners. So when I do, I really get drawn into it. Like I've made some great discovery and I want nothing more than to see the result of my being with that person. The learning, growing, living. everything. There could be nothing more than that.

And anyone who knows me well enough knows that one of the most vital principles of my life philosophy is that I believe that we can learn the most about ourselves, others, and the world in general, through our relationships with other people - be them friends, family, or significant others. Each person in the world is so unique and unlike anyone else - we are all our own world, our existence is a microcosm of a universe all our own. I also believe that the stronger those relationships are - the more love involved, that is - the greater the experience. So, I think that relationships with significant others can quite possibly be the most enriching things most people can experience in life.

But of course I would think that way. I'm a Romantic.

However, my philosophy coupled with my judgment is dangerous. Simply put, since I rarely encounter people that I want to be with, and since the opportunities I see within those people are the ones my heart desires most out of life, I become far too concerned about them until I am sure of what they are. I ponder and analyze the health of the interactions such as if I were courting a hard-boiled egg. I care far too much about doing, saying, or interpreting something wrong that I often counterthink and overreact to situations.

If I can make past that stage successfully, though, without appearing to be some clingy, overbearing, fool, the result is the most beautiful thing this life can afford to me.

I really am a fool for love. What can I say.

I'm wearing a bad pant/underwear combo today and I'm pretty uncomfortable.

That is all.

You heard it folks - looks like I'm headed to the motherland for my next rotation. The United Kingdom. I can't believe they still use lbs for currency.

Anyway, I was kinda floored when I first found out. I didn't expect to get it. I just figured I should have at least tried and made it my first choice in doing so. I mean, these rotations are prestigious and are usually reserved for top performers. Considering the way things have gone for me thus far, and my first rotation impression, this can mean one of a few things. 1.) Nobody else picked it and I got it because the man behind it was really pushing for someone to get it 2.) I'm being given the chance to provem myself beyond a doubt by performing on a rotation where performance of the highest caliber is expected or 3.) I actually am being recognized for the good work I'm doing here and this is my reward. In addition, it's a rotation at one of the business I've yet to touch, and that I should.

Realistically, it's probably a combination of many of those things. We don't really know what goes on behind the curtains after we submit our preferences. But I bet a little of everything does.

Funny, too. My heart was kinda already in Boston. I was already thinking about my friends and family. Sharing Christmas and my birthday with them again. Now that won't happen, but I still have plenty to look forward to. Such as a fully paid furnished home for my stay there, as well as a weekly allowance for living. At least that's what I'm sure I'll be getting.

It also helps that I kinda know people in the area. Some penpals from my trip to Australia during school, and some friends on program.

I'm going to be a place called Groby, by the way. 2 or so hours Northish from London I believe. I hope it's cool enough a place to spend the week at and entertain myself.

So, overall, I see this as a stress adjustment. Less financial stress, but more personal/emotional. Then again, I really want to break this dependency streak. If there is anything I want to be it's as strong a man as possible. I love my friends and family, but I don't want it to affect my life everyday if I can't see them. I can't have it paralyze me with grief anymore.

I'm sure there are so many other things that I should be considering right now, but I'm content enough with them blindsiding me when the time is right. As for now, I think I'll focus on preparing for this adjustment. And get a Visa. Gonna need one of those.

The next 6 months of my life will be drawn out for me tomorrow. Well, a major part of it anyway. If I get either Boston or London, that will be especially good since I won't have to devote any time to finding a place to live - which was a real burden last time. Oregon would be ok, too, just because it's cheap. But anything outside of those three, my top choices, and I'll be pretty upset.

I played a lot of DQ8 this weekend. It's getting better now that I can freely roam the world in a boat and truly explore. I practiced guitar a bit more, and am still frustrated that I can't play many things because I can't fret fast enough to keep up. I'm probly being to hard on myself, though. I'm certain that just comes with time, and with my impatience and paranoid discernment, I'm probly just blaming myself when that really isn't the case.

This has been, bar none, the fastest year of my life. I've done many things and met many people, but for some reason I look back on it with an overall feeling of confusion and uncertainty. I really can't make heads or tails of whether this has been a net postitive or negative thing in my life. All I know is that it had some large effect and I've learned quite a bit about myself. I guess that makes it good.

I guess it just still bothers me that I'm only now taking baby steps to where I want to be when I should already be running.

I dunno - Dragon Quest 8 is a great game and all, but there is something missing about it that I really need a good RPG: Serious undertones and Epic Battles. To be honest, what drew me into RPGs as a young lad was the ferocity and grandeur to which they grew at times. The connections that formed between myself and the characters over time. I really feel this is what Final Fantasy 3 excelled at, and what shone through in 7-10, and dare I say the upcoming 12 and 13.

DQ is fun. It's playful, colorful, and enjoyable, but it lacks in the aforementioned areas. I like my boss battles to be satisfying and triumphant, not the result of some foolish mishap where, in the end, the enemy just apologizes, you talk, and then head your separate ways. It's also been unsatisfyingly easy ... so far, anyway. The story is quite basic, too. I still like it, but I like more mature RPGs better. I would really love for someone to develop an adult RPG, with adult character and really dark and deep storylines and developments. But hey, there really is no profitable market for that ...

Guitar is coming along well! I've got all the basic chords memorized, and can play along with some of my favorite songs -but only bits and pieces. The two big things I really need to work on, which will just come with time, are developing my calluses (callusi? calli?) and developing the speed to change chords, or fret faster and more accurately. After that settles in, I imagine Ill be able to piece together the bits Ive learned into a coherent song. Im pretty happy with myself. Im glad I started doing this.

Well, not me - I prefer the term frugal ... perhaps even resourceful.

Anyway, we all know about how, in the corporate world, leftover food from meetings is often made available to local employees, much like table scraps are tossed to dogs. So I went to the cafeteria to grab some hot water for my tea and notice an arrangement of such leftover. Mind you, it wasn't the usual spread. Not at all. Now I'm familiar with the scattered assortment of crusty bagels and stale donuts, maybe a picked over fruit salad or a few finger sandwiches of the variety that no one quite cared for. But I was not familiar with this; this hearty offering of italian delights - baked ziti, garlic bread, house salad, and about 12 different choices of dressing. And brownies.

Now, I had already had my meal today. Yep, leftover frozen pizza and a soup cup. However, there was no way I was letting this free meal be dismissed simply because I wasn't hungry. No sir! I heaped a mountain of tasty carbs and fresh veggies onto a nearby paper plate, brought it back to my desk, unfolded the ball of foil from my previous meal, wrapped the plate, and stuck it into the office fridge.

I'm now considering going back and making another plate for Friday...

There was a HUGE roach on my ceiling about half an hour ago. I was totally sceeved. I mean, one roach isn't bad, but it was huge. Anyway, I was more concerned that it was actually in the house, and on my ceiling. Sometime during my guitar practicing it managed to crawl up the entire length of my wall, all 2 inches of it, without my noticing. Moreoever, it entered the house somehow. I feel in constant danger of being visited by papa roaches in my sleep, since I sleep in the floor (close enough, anyway).

Whats worse is that I deliberated for a long time how to get rid of it withouth risking knocking it off the ceiling and onto my bed and into some crevace where I couldnt pursue it. While doing so, my roomate entires, swiftly grabs an empty cup nearby, a sheet of printer paper, and scoops it into the cup, covers it, and then flushes it in my toilet.

MY TOILET! DEFILED! Now I will fear the possibility of roaches crawling into my ass as I poop!

In other news, I will know by Friday where I will be whisked to next. If my choices have any bearing, it will either be London, Boston, or Portland, in that order.

Did I mention that I had an awkward relationship with one of my direct bosses before? I think I may have - and my attendance to one of his parties this past weekend may or may not have made it better. That's a whole nother story though. One I may or may not post here, since my penchant is for the succinct lately. Hollaatchaboy if you want to get the scoop. Its more fun to say with words that come out of the mouth anyway.

I FEEL LIKE BUSTIN LOOSE!

I'm becoming more capable. Things have really changed since a few months ago when I was confused with what to do with myself - when I wasn't sure of what opportunities to pursue and fill my life with. Actually, you could say it's quite the polar opposite now. I've now dedicated myself to many goals at once and find myself disappointed in not being able to commit enough time to either of them - or at least I feel that way. And with my strict character of self worth and satisfaction, that's not really too surprising.

Anyway. I'm now fully engaged in my small business, learning guitar, and reading a few books. Add that to my staple past-times of working out regularly and getting in some video game time, and you got a veritable tossed salad of life. Except, I try to balance it every day, and that's not working out. Not at all really. Today I wanted nothing to do with my so called 'home' pursuits. I came home, napped hard, ate, played Dragon Quest 8 for like 3 hours, put laundry away, and now here I am.

I really wanted to make guitar practice a daily staple, but it won't be easy. The small business work is pretty time consuming, and I can't slack on the gym. I just don't feel right substituting for it - it's just a non-negotiable part of my life now. But I need to find give somewhere - I'm more and more tired everyday. I fall asleep at work sometimes and can't focus. I considered buying caffeing pills or mints of something to make up for my daytime lack of zeal - but maybe I should just get more sleep?

It's like I just bounce from one extreme to the other. I'm so extreme!

Oh, and in other news. The new job rotations came in recently. With any luck, I'll be spending the next 6 months either in Massachusetts or London ... or maybe Portland.

Going to sleep now. Making it an early night.

Yes! Free Lunch! Occasionally when they have meetings here, the food that is left over is put in the cafeteria for employees to finish up. Kinda like when you give your dog table scraps. Woof!

But the sad part is, I get overly excited cause it means I can save my Hot Pockets for tomorrow. Which means I just saved $2.56. Yup, I actually get excited over stuff like that.

Right now would be a splendid time I think to walk into my home and have a warm, inviting meal awaiting my palette.

However, now is also a splendid time to not have steady, serious lady in my life who could commit to such a cuilnary task.

O! The Tradeoffs!

My last visit to the dentist a few weeks ago not only consisted of an argument of whether or not I had a cross-bite so severe that it required braces, but also gave rise to the inquiry of whether or not I clench my teeth on a regular basis.

This is because I made a note of some sensitivity to heat and cold in the back of my mouth - the far back molars - and ventured a guess in confidence that they were cavities; mostly because at my last visit I was warned against not getting sealants on them because the plaque gets into places I can't brush. Anyway, the doctor said I didn't so much as flinch when she dug her tool into my molar, so she asks if I clenched my teeth.

I didn't understand what that had to do with it. But she said that people who clench their teeth often can experience similar sensations to cavity discomfort, just not regularly. Well, I can say that it regularly happens when I eat ice cream, or drink really cold water, but I don't get how I didn't react to the jagged metal edge of steel ...

Point being, I've been very aware of my mouth actions lately and I often catch myself clenching! She must be right!

This bodes another more personal question though - why do I clench so much! Am I so intense that I regard everyday activities with a ferver so strong that it borders on agression or even hostility? I think so!

Less than two months and goodbye Florida. Nice knowing ya, it was good while it lasted but, ya know, you were a bit pretentious. I might even say superficial. I was so attracted to you at first, but deep down inside, well, you don't have a 'deep-down-inside'. That's just the problem. And you're always so hot and muggy. Fuck your hotness.

I really wish I knew where I had to look for a new apartment by now. Yea, that'd sure be nice ... Yep, planning ahead is a good thing. I think about two months advance to start planning the complete overhaul of one's life is very reasonable. GE tends to think otherwise. I don't care if it's the system, and this is how its been for years - it makes no fucking sense to give us only a little more than a month to find a new home. The operations of this company are really trying my patience lately. I have raised concern about it time to time, but not at my usual, how should I say ... volume? I wish there were one throat to choke for all this unecessary delay and general disrespect.

This is one of those days where I just don't like work. Wading through all of this documentation, trying to find a way to push this project further. It's all about the documentation - these silly requirements and needs. It's almost senseless, the way these people cling to standards, the way they want everything done the same way each time, how they are so willing to throw common sense out the window because it doesn't align with the standard.

I'm falling in and out of consciousness with all this clicking and linking and searching and reading. All the wading - wading through piles and years of time and effort gone stale and obsolete. Swimming, treading, just trying to keep my eyes open and my mind thinking. Just trying to keep my head above water.

While travelling home the other day I bought The Davinci Code on a complete whim. I guess after seeing it so many times in the airport and on planes, etc, coupled with my burning curiousity to know what the shit all this rage is about, I just had to do it. The whole process seemed mechanical though - its as if I had lost sentient control of my body and some otherwordly force was sucking me toward the bookshelf cleverly placed right outside of the store. So far so good, though. What keeps it most interesting is the high volume of trivia in it, then I guess the character interactions are a close second.

Ah well, I gave in. At least it's not Harry Potter.

I was denied the opportunity to apply for the rotation in Fairfield. Here's to hoping I can get Billerica. O, what will the next two months bring.

The weekend was extremely event-filled, people-packed, and mishap-ridden. Grillz, Bleeding Feet, Cigars, Jamming, Frosting, Sunburns, etc. A huge emotional medley of hello's and goodbye's. Five days to make up for the lack of hundreds. Experiences like that are proving to be dangerously potent.

I'm a part business owner of two small-start up businesses now. Considering how soon out of college I got involved in them, this could be a good long-term investment. Also, it's keeping my close to my friends. This is something I hope to commenting on a lot in the future.

Guitar finally arrived. Time for me to make room for some beauty in my life. A small step in the direction towards my new life.

There is something wrong with you when you can't look up a clear, blue, sky without squinting...