Yea, I'm just all jaded about leaving WPI. I just started liking it here ... mostly. Like, I wish I was in more theatre. I just realized I love it, a lot. I wish I did more Masque and NV stuff, and helped to unify all the theatre here like Mildo has been doing.

Starting clean sucks. I had plans to live with friends at first and I was happy about that, being able to take something with me, ya know? I've always started over, my entire life. As I child I moved all the time, never held onto friends or people, never had contant belonging or companionship. You think you would get used to that, but you don't. Ever.

I want something I can count on more than anything really. That's something I've always wanted. People always want what they don't have though, I guess. At this point, I feel like I belong more than ever. I feel like people are really beginning to know who I am and understand me, I'm starting to do things with myself I am proud of, and people are noticing that. I'm becoming and then I'm stifled, I stop, and start over.

Sara and I have decided that we are going to part ways. Though this was something we decided would be nearly inevitable when we started seeing each other, it still wasn't easy. It's because I don't intend to manage a long-term relationship again, it's too difficult, too consuming and draining. I guess it sounds heartless to say it's not worth it, but it really isn't. And it's not heartless, it's realistic and understandable, and we know that.

I'm thinking what I have been looking for though, maybe, is not love - not now - but probably companionship. That makes the most sense. According to the stuff I just wrote about my needs and wants for something dependable. I sometimes feel like I selfishly - yet unconsiously - drag significant others into my life for comfort. I think this might happen again and I'm not looking forward to it. Why am I so awkward with relationships. I get comfortable so easily, and I don't understand the problems.

I'm going to keep writing for Kilroy. That will hopefully keep me grounded and connected to something I love, something that appreciates me and will hopefully still have me even when I leave.

The Alpha Si Omega induction dissapointed me at first because I thought that memorizing and delivering Shakespeare was a requirement to get it, and not something that was more for fun. My initial reaction was extreme embarassment and discomfort with the performances. I was surrounded by such a prestigious atmosphere and felt like I was in the presence of some very serious and solemn induction, complete with rigorous rites of passage and the like. When seeing so many people falter their 16 lines, I almost became disgusted. I couldn't begin to conceive what type of honorary thespian could disgrace themselves so in the face of such a distinguished society. I didn't understand the lack of dedication and commitment to ideals, the complete disregard of privilege and opportunity.

But that was just me, and I am a man with extremely high standards and ideals. I take honor societies seriously, even though they are not all they are cracked up to be. I was also unaware of other goings on in the Alpha Si induction and the other processes involved in getting inducted.

I guess it didn't help that only soon before the induction I realized theatre and creativity is a big part of me and who I want to be, and when I saw that - unknowing of many things - I was just jarred by what seemed to be complete neglect and impudence. I actually expected the president to say 'No' when he was asked if the performances were done to his satisfaction.

I can be so presumptuous sometimes. Then again, it was only a reflection of my rich ideals. Guess it was good to be reminded the are as strong and passionate as ever. Maybe I can put them to use someday.

Ha. I chalked everywhere today, I was so intense about it. This show is going to be amazing and I want everyone to know about it. Then it rained and now it's all gone.

I got a sore throat a few days ago and I've been doing all I can to nurse it. How can I deliver my stand up with a weak and raspy voice? My intensity and anger is what makes my delivery funny. I'm afraid if I have to do it lightly and calmly, it will really fail.

This may all sound like it really sucks, but nothing can take my sketches. My sketch, Interview for Two, is so good. I'm not one to pat my own back, but it came out amazingly. I'm also glad I got something in that's not all about fart jokes, or spousal abuse or just plain anger comedy. It's a sophisticated, wet, anger-comedy with peppered with wit. And then there is Ponch and Brownstone, Imran's amazing creation. I consider this my current pinnacle of acting. If I had one last thing to do here with Kilroy it would have to be that. I haven't even seen it yet and I'm so happy about it.

I decided that I don't trust bees. They are the only animal with tasty vomit.

There you have it folks. My last legitimate Kilroy production, done. And let me tell you, it went fucking amazingly. The stand-up was incredible, I was so amazed with how well the 4 of us did. I really think we did a seriously professional job.

And Ponch and Brownstone ... wow, what a piece of art. I want to thank Imran for giving me that opportunity to be Ponch. If any role had to be my last, it would have to be that one. I don't think it's the end for those two though ... ;)

As for the rest of the sketches, excellent stuff. Easily some of our best work. I feel so good, so proud, so accomplished right now. I wouldn't have wanted to leave Kilroy on any different of a note, this show was meant to be my last - well, as a student. Who knows, if Kilroy will have me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

I actually want to get a camera of my own and do some independent stuff if possible. Not sure how much I can do by myself, but I am determined to take this passion with me wherever I go now.

It's going to be tough, leaving the 'Roy behind. I feel like a big part of my life has just ended with this show tonite. I started to get all emotional when I came home and started putting stuff all away. I threw my costume over to the corner and ended up knocking over my Ranunculus flower I bought last week. All of the petals came off, but everything else was fine. I thought it to be very fitting imagery, so I picked up the flower and put it back, now naked and barren.

Guess that means it's time for me to start blooming again. This time, though, it won't be as late.