Just got back from meetin' up with the girl Jamie that I met at the hip hop class. We met up at a youth center her friend works at to go over the stuff I didn't know. Basically, her friend runs a hip hop class so we kicked it for a bit, a little breakin' here and there, then I went over the moves with Jamie.

So I was takin' in the scenery and noticed that everyone had to be around 17-20 ish. Hm, I mean, I don't really know how old Jamie is, per se, but I know she drives. Her friend looked kinda young too, and her other friend ... or maybe I'm just feelin' old? I kinda did anyway, kinda odd. We were leavin' at 7 when the place was closin' and asked her if she wanted to get a bite to eat, but she said she was busy. She has like, three jobs I think. That's makes me think she is older, but I dunno. I guess if it seemed like a problem she woulda been sketched out in the first place, so whatever.

I mean, at this point. I just want people to hang out with. Yea, she's attractive and all, but I still wouldn't mind just kickin' it time to time. But damn, she's just always on the go it seems. And I don't wanna keep askin', makes me sound desperate for whatever she thinks I want.

Right now the only thing that keeps me up and alive is my workout. I get myself so pumped everyday for it. I throw on my headphones, pump some tunes that just give me those chills when I get runnin' and I get this rush. two and half miles then I push weight, I push it with more intensity and purpose than ever before. I don't know what's drivin' me these days, I guess it's just all the energy, or maybe it's the opportunity to finally be able to stick to a schedule. It may also be 'cause I'm surrounded by old, mostly out of shape people. They go to they gym to slow down the process of getting grossly out of shape, or to reach an obviously unattainable goal. I'm there to perfect myself, to take myself to a higher level. I get looks sometime because I get so in the zone somtimes, but it's mostly all I have right now. But the contrast fuels me. Even though it sounds wrong, I look at them and then I see me and I'm like, "I really have done something with this body of mine, and I'm still goin at it, and that's a damn good thing ... if I keep workin' at it maybe I can get that six-pack ... yea". Sometimes you just need to compare yourself to the run of the mill to realize how far from the mill you've really come.

I dunno, I'm in damn good shape right now. Maybe I should let that set for now and focus my effort and time in my life. I want to release my creativity. If there's one thing in my I feel boiling and rising everyday it's this hot need to DO something, to express myself. I want to write music, comedy - writing here helps, but it's just a small breath to relieve me, a ceasura. I want to learn music and go to open mics and perform. I even thought of writing rhymes, just free verse, something to open myself up into words and get my mind out in the open - hell, if so inclined I could even lay a track out with fruity loops or something. I want to write jokes and stories and make people laugh and smile, I want to see the reaction and feel the rush of entertainment. I want to act in plays and explore the ability of my mind, put myself in position I am not used to and challenge my resilience and wit. I need to perform, it's just flowing in me. But it churns against walls and obstacles; it swirls and eddies just to froth up, ready to burst through the dam, and then stagnated by inhibitions, prior commitments, responsibilities, insecurities.

And this isn't me being hard on myself. I came to terms that I want to make something, and that I'm gonna at some point. Recently I have this newfound confidence in myself and my ability as a person, with unique ideas and perspectives on life, the kind that could create something worth someone's time to appreciate. I guess I feel like everyone has something to offer, and nobody should feel like what they think or feel is mundane and common - there is nothing common about a creative mind. I feel like no matter what anyone puts out, so long as it's a true reflection of something they believe and love, someone is going to relate to it. On one hand, no one is too simple to not be worth listening to, but on the other, no one person is too unique so that no one is going to relate.

I feel some changes coming on. I got all this time coming at me head on and it's my job to mold it into a life - something worthwhile and beautiful that I can share with other people, something I can express and that can be appreciated by others.