Hey man, want to buy some cool stuff? I got this - yea, just kidding.

I got duped, scammed. I was working for Quixtar for a bit. I believed in my dream coming true for a short while, and was blind for even a longer while. I don't know what it was, if I was in this state of uncharacteristic naivete or what. I think it had something to do with me looking for another means of income on the side, along with having unsure thoughts about my job, along with missing my friends and my freedom and, yea, it was just a combination of all these things that cast a spell on my mind making me susceptible to being manipulated.

Hell, even after I was pretty sure of what was going on, I let my hope get the best of me. I thought I could be smart enough to use the system to my advantage and make it work for me, realizing that most of the people in it are weak-minded and gullible - even the doctor's and lawyers I met? Maybe.

It wasn't until I went to the meetings and the socials afterwards where all they drank and ate was company product and they spoke in business words and jargon, it wasn't until I listened to a few of the CD's in my car where I all I heard was the same voodoo over and over each new CD spoken a different way.

All you gotta do to Go Ruby, is Go Eagle and have five Platinum legs, and then make sure your inner circle is generating at least 100 PV a month and then you can come on the seminar to this guys mansion on a cliff overlooking a mineshaft where you can see the 8 year old Guatemalans at work as we fly overhread in his helicopter to the hotel where some guy who just became a Diamond will tell us his life story about how he became a success by sacrifing his integrity and identity to exploit others into doing the same by eliciting their hopes and dreams and then using them to strangle their common sense.

I'm trying to sever myself right now. It's not easy, I still get lots of calls. At least I told my friends who agreed to talk to my sponoring IBO about it before it got too far.

I still have some of their product at my house, in my fridge. Energy drinks and protein bars. And I guess I'll always still be able to shop through the online store too since I bought membership to it.

Still haven't thought that out completely, whether it's good or bad. I mean, the stuff I can buy there through the companies that work with them is significantly cheaper than it would be straight from them, and some of their proprietary products are superior and cheaper ... but then I would be supporting a vile corporation. I'm going to have to have a chat with moral an integrity sometime soon ...

In other news, I'm still in a variant slump over here. I met this older woman who is pretty fucking awesome, we hang out a lot, it's cool - we fill each other's mutual need for companionship. Still, it kinda sucks cause she is leaving C'ville even before me. We went rafting this past weekend and it was awesome. Now she things we are spending too much time together and I should't come over as much - we shouldn't get too attached. She looking for a serious relationship anyway, I'm just nice company right now. So is she. Guess we're using each other. Anyway, I could write volumes on this, but I won't.

I think I might hate my job. Actually, I might just hate big business. All my effort goes into working through the beauracracy, the hierarchy, all the red tape. Watching what I say and do, getting people to do their job so I can do mine, it's so lifeless and draining. Even my project and the work I DO do, it's working for technologies that are so behind the curve that I am feeling no satisfaction. Sometimes it's for purposes I don't believe in, like to fix a problem that is wrong in the first place, but needs to be fixed because there is so much momentum behing that initiative that a company so large and lethargic can't justify fixing it. It feels so defeatist at times. I am making nothing of myself.

What I'm pretty sure I want is to work for a smaller company with intelligent people who act naturally. Where I can spread my wings and exercise my true talent, maybe travel and consult, do different things all the time, wear many hats, be appreciated for who I am. Maybe even start a small venture with some close friends, but most importantly, have the time to do what I love. I want to continue with comedy more than anything. I want to write and perform at open mics, I want to be with my friends and film and act, and think that maybe someday we can make it big or semi-big. Even if I didn't the prospect of that while doing what I love would comfort me.

So what do you do after you realize what you want after college? when you're stuck to obligations? when you debt pins you to your current decisions because the possibility of being stuck between jobs and dreams will have it suck you dry?

Right now I want to thank my friends and family. Those of you who have stuck with me and continue to give me something to look forward to, those of you who have shown concern for me and what I've been going through.

I promise I'll get it right soon.

I love you guys.