The thing is, I can't do the things I want right now - not in this state.

When your lost, I mean lost to the point where you don't understand what you want or where you belong anymore, it consumes your every thought. And why shouldn't it? Not knowing what you're purpose is rips the meaning from your life. It tears through the fabric of beliefs that you once thought guided your life, and then leaves you exposed and scared.

I can't just sit down and take my mind off it. It's just too heavy - the thought I mean. It holds far too much weight. It's why I haven't been playing video games or writing sketches; it's why there are still empty frames on my walls and books left half read on my coffee table.

How can you continue with your life when your life itself can't continue? It can't continue because it has been maimed - because it was let down. At one point it was so healthy and virile, running full speed toward it's goal - my goal. With barely more than a few strides between it and success, my life raised its hands and head high, looking up to the brilliant sun, smiling a wide smile, tears of accomplishment welling up.

Being preoccupied with embracing success, however, it didn't notice the wall waiting. With a wet, sickening, thud, it ends. Bones splinter, lips split, teeth crack - all in a fraction of a second. Jarring it's soft skull viciously against the cold, unforgiving brick, my life breaks open, spilling to the floor.

And now, here it is. Crumpled and weak - motionless in a puddle of warm, sticky blood. Motionless all except for the eyes. The eyes are wide and wild, not with pain, but confusion. Looking deeper, you'll see the fear - they quiver with it. The fear of not understanding what went wrong, the fear of not knowing how to move on from here, how to heal.

That's where my life is right now. Every moment I have to myself is invaded with thoughts of how to restart, how to rebuild my life so it can trust in me again.

I know that this the single source of my pain lately. I feel like my accomplishment is not worthy of my journey, which has defied most of what I believed in. So, without a life to lead, I become lost.

What I need to do is redefine my goals and find new purpose. I don't think these are easy things to replace, not when you had ones like mine, ones that were practically the crux of your existence. I just need to accept now that I was wrong all along and need to grow from that.

One thing I have truly realized lately is that I have an unwavering belief in myself. I feel that no matter what comes of my current situation, whatever life choices I make from here on in, whatever may come, I am confident in my ability to come out on top. I may have been wrong about the purpose of my life in the past, but I do know one thing: I'm a winner. I may have reached the wrong goal, but I reached it nonetheless - and I can do it over and over until I reach the right one.

This body and mind, this character and resolve, this dedication and passion: this vehicle of mine - I believe in it more than anything else in the world, and that's how I know I can't lose.