I need more physical intensity in my life. My body feels unused - complacent.

I sit on my ass all day and because I am involved in activities that cause mental duress and exhaustion, it tires me. But my body doesn't get tired.

It needs action, it needs conflict - it needs to be engaged

Every day after I peel myself away from my debilitating cubicle, I feel like there is a torrent of energy whirring in my gut. Like I could explode into a frenzy of kinetic chaos at any moment.

I desperately need an outlet for this.

I once tried to suffice this with working out, but after realizing working out every day - let alone three days a week - is not right for the stage of muscular advancement my body is at, that won't do.

I've been trying to compensate by running more. 3 miles, 4 miles, 5 miles. It sates, but it doesn't fulfill. I guess it's just too mundane.

My body is a tool and I want to sharpen it. I can't stand the thought of letting it wilt and bloat and transform into the neglectful, soft, shells of flesh I see around me daily.

I need to exert force, act out, endure pain. I need to breathe in and out breathe out - and breath deeply. I need to feel the heat, the satiscation, the endorphin rush. I need to move, lift, strike, suffer, grow. Fuck.

I want to train my body in an art; Martial, Choreographical - something.

But, once again, I feel compelled by circumstance. Those decisions require a kind of commitment I can't provide.

Show me 'Do it yourself Aikido', and I would show you disappointment. Number one, because the mass marketing and commercialization of these ancient arts are already embarrasing enough to their heritage; Number two, I seriously doubt something like that can happen without proper tutelage and contactual practice.

Hypocritically, I sometimes wish there was a way to sign up for a 5-10 year sojourn to some Ancient Eastern culture to train the body and mind in long forgotten, brutal, ascetic, arts.

Needless to say, I'd be all up ons.