I've been so strong, I am strong, and I will continue to be strong - but that doesn't mean anything is getting better. The only certain thing as that I am building a tolerance for unhappiness, pain, and loneliness.

I'm still unhappy. I greeted this new job with open arms and a clear mind, tossing away every grain of discontent in my mind for the job I previously had. But still, I feel wrong: I don't feel my calling here, I'm not satisfied, I'm not fulfilled, I'm not proud. If anything, this job is becoming more and more of a nuisance to me. Between chasing down money that is owed to me from moving and relocation and mistakes, and having to strategically converse with those around me in a manner that is so manufactured simply because of protocol - forcing me to forego my instincts and personality - is becoming debilitating and tedious. I feel less and less attached to my job as the days crawl by, and I feel more and more anxious to move on and start over - to tear apart the world around me and follow my heart for once. A pity that time comes when it's most impossible.

I'm still in pain. I feel as if I'm in a perpetual vice as times. Lately, I've been getting sneak attacked by my emotions. It'll start with some simple discontenting or dissatisfying thought, and then that thought it ran through a gauntlet of association in my mind that burns it down to a foundational reason that I usually connect with some poor decision I have made. It hurts to live out a mistake that you are constantly reminded of. Especially one that incessantly taunts you with the fact that it is not going anywhere for a long, long time.

On a more tangible level, I'm a financial mess. I've been trying to find ways to reduce my loan payments, but it's not possible. There are no other terms that could really put me in a better position. And throughout the course of gathering such information, I came to realize that I really do carry a financial burden much worse than most people do. It kills me to realize that I did not have the foresight to predict this consequence - that being forced to take out such significant personal loans would bereave me so. Why me? Why do I have to suffer? Why, when all I ever wanted for myself was just a good education and a decent life - to make a name for myself and my family - does this need ruin everything for me? Sure, some people had to pay a lot, but maybe their parents did it, maybe they didn't need loans. More so, maybe that over-generalized and over-appreciated SAT convinced the simple minds at their school that they had so much more potential and were worth more of their money than a hard-working, dedicated, driven average high school student that proved, beyond a breath of a doubt, that he was worth far more than they thought throughout his years at school by graduating in the top of his class.

No, there is no system to compensate for this rampantly unjust, yet acceptable, hindsight. Why the fuck does life feel the need to put me through the goddamn ringer? Why is every path at every point of my life the hard one? Everything has had a catch so far, every-fucking-thing. Where the fuck is the foundation for people like me? What - middle class white men who altruistically decide to fight against the wave of momentum pushing them into social mediocrity and change their future for the better by going to school only to have their dreams and hopes of a better life smothered in debt don't deserve help?

One thing could have fixed this for me: if when I was in high school I was told what it about - if someone approached me and said "Kyle, how you perform on your SAT's will determine who you are and, most importantly, what your worth and how much aid you'll get, when applying to College" well shit, I would have taken AP courses and studied for the SAT's. But of course I didn't know that, and why should I have? That just fits so well into my life not to. I wish I could just be like "Hey, look the fuck at me now, WPI!! I work for fucking GE in the most prestigious and highly reproduced IT development program in this fucking world! How average do I look to you know? How much money would you have given me NOW!!!"

Even though I don't particularly love my career path, my point I think is clear enough. There is no system to financially help those who seem to prove themselves after the fact. I hate that fact that I didn't know this stuff. I'm hatefully jealous of those who had it all paid for, who live as comfortably as I thought I would be after graduating. Every fucking day is a goddamn financial debate for me. What's worse, is nobody believes me at first, not a single person. Everyone assumes I make all this fucking money and I have it so good. And what's worse is when I break it down for them and get their shocked reaction. My car eats gas and is in contant disrepiar and I'd like a new one, but can't afford a payment; I'd like to go home to visit my friends and family, but can't justify the ticket purchase; I'd like to buy nice things for myself now and again, but I still buy grocery market brand foods and cheap clothes - just like I did in College ... because nothing has changed. Except for now I have no friends, no family, and no love.

I'm still lonely. I'm tired of expending my time and precious money trying to meet people to no avail. All I'm trying to get right now is friendship - one of the two things I value so dearly in this world. That's all - I'm not even trying to meet a significant other - someone to understand me and help me grow as a person, someone to make me feel like there is a real purpose to this life. Right now I would just settle for some acqauintances to waste money with out on the town - because I pretty much still do it alone. I've had some success I guess in this area lately, but it just hasn't felt right - it was somewhat forced and desperate I guess. I've made myself, and others, feel uncomfortable and I really don't know what the fuck I'm thinking anymore. Thanks again to the destructive and reliable qualities of coincidence that guide my life down the hardest of paths to not only stick me, once again, in a job site where I work alone with no one my age, but also in town mostly full of aging, wealthy, baby boomers. Anger almost seems useless these days. A synergy of sublime confusion and desperation is more appropriate I'd say.

Keep your head up Kyle, it will get better. We're all so proud of you, you're doing so many things and meeting so many new people. Everyone always has it hard once they get out of college.

It's only gotten worse since I first heard that during college when I was looking for a job. I'm not very proud of myself, nor does going anywhere and meeting anyone matter to me unless I do it with those whom I love. Not as hard as me.

I'm not being pathetic, I'm not being selfish. I know plain and simply, that, compared to the sum of people in my general demographic, I've got it really fucking hard. I always have, and what kills me is that I have not made one decision in my life that hasn't been made without the idea of avoiding such pain in it - either the world has it out for me, or that's just how I perceive my reality. Either way, something has to change. Hopefully something drastic, wild, and chaotic because I am so fucking tired of this mistake of a life...